ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Thinking about the question. Most zines count as 1/2 a book based on word count. Some of the digests barely count as a 1/4 book (rip off city). I was dusting my shelves and came across a zine that was made exactly like a book. It is a beautiful thing entitled Blood and Destiny in the Starsky & Hutch fandom. Truly a magnificent achievement and it destroyed my ability to read in Starsky & Hutch because the stories were so dark and bloody. It has small print and is over 500 pages and if I ever try to read in Starsky & Hutch again I shall start with that zine and plow my way through. On the other hand, I never could read stories where the boys were down right cruel to each other. Same with Pros...Kitty Fisher's stories and the Gael were too dark and mean for my taste. Those Priapus zines for example eeeeek. I was remembering my obsession with S&H fandom and how fixed my need for them to be good to each other in every story. Schmoop city. That one book threw me for a loop and tainted my view of the boys somehow. Of course, by the time I got to that book I had read every zine ever printed in that fandom and had thousands of stories on my hard drive. I was moaning to Dana Austin Marsh, who was then holding Starsky & Hutch get togethers, about my inability to read S&H and there I was with 400 zines. She handed me a bunch of fifth gen vcr tapes and a few zines with The Professionals and set me on my way and I learned how someone could become a serial fandom groupy. Four hundred more zines later and boxes filled with two page Circuit stories and I was almost ready to start reading books from my library and then Lew died and fandom just went away for a while. I could read darker fiction in Pros than I could in S&H. What was strange was my first fandom was X-Files and I could read really dark stuff in that one but when I moved to S&H I was vanilla. I think what you read has everything to do with the personalities of your OTP almost more than your personal emotional triggers except in all fandoms there are lines I cannot cross in my reading or rather choose not to cross.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Speaking of disconnect. I spent fifteen years in fandom. I made many online friends and went to cons and met some of them. I bought hundreds and hundreds of zines and collected thousands of stories. I am still collecting stories. I still communicate with writers of fan fiction and other fans but that connection is also slowly sliding away. These days I no longer read fan fiction. For that I actually feel guilty when friends who still write ask me to read or beta and I have to confess that I have lost the necessary focus and love required to enjoy or judge a story. I feel I have betrayed something or someone. Fandom gave me so much, it opened the world of people to me in a way I had never experienced before and now I am retreating back into my solitude. I feel I am a better, stronger person for the experience of fandom but I have changed again. I returned to X-Files after a ten year absence. I can only hope there is enough time left in my life for me to return to Pros or S&H.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Someone on Tumblr commented about people having OTPs that were the same over and over. Another refuted that by listing her crushes and pointing out their differences. I began to think about mine over the years. It all started with Elvis. I was eleven when he was on the Ed Sullivan show and I adored him all my life. I never became a Beatles fan or a Rolling Stone fan. Over the years I liked particular songs and singers enough to buy a lot of their albums but I never fantasized about any of them. In the 60's I liked Richard Chamberlain in Dr. Kildare, Gardner McKay in Adventures in Paradise, David McCallum in Man From Uncle, Oliver Reed in everything, Richard Basehart in Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, both William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy in Star Trek with a heavy bent for Spock, Robert Blake in Baretta, Paul Michael Glaser in Starsky & Hutch, Freddie Prinze in Chico and the Man, David Carradine in Kung Fu, Stephen Macht in The Immigrants, Robbie Coltrane in Cracker, David Duchovny and Nicholas Lea in X-Files, Martin Shaw and Lewis Collins in The Professionals. Andrew-Lee Potts in Primeval.

All of those TV shows were must see TV and I adored the characters and then the actors and followed their careers and collected photos and information. I did not view any of the earlier shows with slashy eyes. My homo erotic fantasies were a hidden secret and I remember reading books about women's fantasies and not one of them mentioned women getting off on reading about two men together. I thought I was weird. My fantasies were about anonymous men with me as voyeur. The rest of my fantasies were me and the current actor I was obsessing about. Mary Sue all the way. I even wrote fan fiction about Admiral Nelson and me. Then in 1994 I got internet access and looked up the show I was watching at the time ...Forever Knight. I loved the show but did not have a crush on any of the actors...not one of them appealed to me. I found fan fiction and was introduced to slash and my world opened up...I was not weird or alone. I printed out reams and reams and read like crazy and loved it all even the slash about two men who did not turn me on. Then I found X-Files and tuned in late and played catch up on the first season and looked up the fan fiction and... wow I had found my first OTP. I started with David but Nick Lea surpassed him and took over my imagination. I became heavily involved in the online world. Starsky & Hutch resurfaced in my area and I watched and searched and fell in love with Starsky all over again and Hutch grew on me as they became my second OTP. The next OTP was Bodie and Doyle. I started out preferring Doyle but before long it was Bodie who was my favourite. And there I have stuck.

I look at all these men and wonder if they fit a pattern. Most of them are dark haired, many of them are light eyed, they are tall, short, fat, thin. Few of them are conventionally good looking. I have never liked blond men and I had to read a lot of fan fiction to get comfortable with David Soul.

I do not automatically see slash in every pairing on TV that others slash. When talking to other fans in other fandoms I often just cannot see what they see, in fact, I am often squicked by their choices. It makes reading multi anthology zines difficult. When I look at all my favourite actors now, I often wish there was someone I could pair them with and I try to imagine crossovers.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Here I am burning away another hour on my computer spilling my guts. Last night I reached a point of not being in the mood to pick up my current book, feeling guilty over how much time I spent that day on computer and finished with all my sites and unwilling to go do anything more. Finished meals and dog walking and housework. Nothing on television that I wanted to watch. Unwilling to go into cabinet and go through to select a dvd to watch. Flipping through the channels that I never flip through. I am so set in my ways I have a set series of channels that I go through when looking for something to watch and a hundred more that I ignore totally. Stopped on Boston Legal (for sight impaired so there was a voice over). Started to watch and enjoyed it and remembered that I had all five seasons of Boston Legal on dvd. Now this is a programme that I never watched while it was on. I did catch an episode here and there but never invested myself in it. Then I watched the last few and thought hey I should watch this so I bought the disks and then never cracked the boxes.

Sometimes, having is almost as good as watching. Does that make sense? There is this feeling of comfort in knowing I can read or watch whatever whenever I feel like it and so since there is no hurry I am satisfied and do not actually have to buckle down and get to it. Then, at some point, a long time after buying whatever it is, something triggers interest and I pull it out and get involved and am absolutely delighted that I had the forethought to buy it when I did.

I have had this lifelong habit. When I read an author for the first time and find I like what I
am reading, I check to see what else the writer has written. I especially love series. I buy the entire series and read from book one. Then I follow that author's work and buy each new book in the series as it comes out. I read by genre so I might be reading sci fi and buying vampire books or mysteries or historical romance. I might not get back to vampire books for years but when I do I am always so happy to start reading an author in my library from book one and finally get to the new books in the series that I bought. I always start at book one. For example, back in the 60's I started reading E.C. Tubbs 'Dumarest' series. I kept buying each new one. By the time I bought his 32nd book, I had read book number 1 at least 25 times.

Why is it I can never read or enjoy books chosen for me by other people? Even fan fiction writer friends, whose work I love, who recommend stories they like or new fandoms they like and I am not enamoured at all. So many of my fan friends gaffiated to new fandoms that I could not follow. Or found new OTP and I am like WTF...how could someone who shares my love for this character/this actor...go on to like 'that' one...ugh.

I actually miss having a current love object/fandom obsession. Not that I want a new fandom, I am hoping my interest/obsession in my three fandoms will reactivate (it did for X-Files so I have hope for the others and 800 zines in my closet demands that it happen). It is not just that I do not wish for a new fandom but I find none of the new crop of actors attractive and the older actors have already been passed over as not of interest in the past. Am I too old, too picky or are they all just cookie cutter faces and personalities.

My list of things to do keeps growing.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Change is inevitable but this year it is self directed. Last year I made some major decisions and changes to my life. I stopped being a patsy for every taker who had more gall than I had guts. I did not start drinking in September. I started dieting. I cocooned all winter for my sanity sake. I let others help me for a change...though I confess it made me very uncomfortable. In five months I spent very little and nothing foolishly. In five months I lost thirty pounds....only 70 to go. I have decided not to start smoking this April and for me smoking is merely mind over matter. Up to now I smoked for the summer months April to September and drank from the day I quit smoking to the day I start again. This year I shall do neither. I am not making a commitment to exercise but I do hope I will do a bit more. It is always a choice between reading and walking and walking loses every time. Hell, everything in my life loses to reading. The diet is working, thanks to reading.

I adore Nicholas Lea and follow his career but I confess I am not drawn to his choice of material. I loved X-Files, I loved Once a Thief, I liked The Commish. But the series he guest stars on are not on my choice list. I started watching Continuum for Nick and tried to get into the story but they killed him off for seemingly no reason...it was such a disconnect. He appeared, did nothing, barely got into the story line and was murdered. I stopped watching. Every so often I look in to see where the story is and this week it appears that Alex screwed with the timeline to bring his girlfriend back to life creating a duplicate Alex and whatever the name of the leading lady is....and all I could think was...hey this would be a good time to bring Nick's character back to life. Never happen but I can wish. I didn't like V...again three episodes and died. Whistler was bearable...again a few episodes and then died. I liked Men in Trees but it was really het-centric. I checked out Arrow pilot and it bored me so I haven't caught his measly episodes.

The thing in my life that hasn't changed over the last twenty years is my reading habit. Okay, I have stopped buying zines but switched to cosies on my Kindle so the money on reading is still going out. People come and go. What I watch on TV changes from year to year...sometimes because the shows vanish, sometimes I just stop watching for no particular reason.

Today was the nicest day so far since mid-November. Sun shining, no wind, temperature promised in double digits...didn't make it but 9C is still the best it has been. So happy I do not live in Atlantic Canada...another Nor-easter coming in.

Going to pick up where I left off yesterday reading my Kevin & Kell cartoons. What is wonderful about this is....I found them online fifteen years ago and life happens ...lost track of them and now have found them again and am playing catch up. The same with X-Files fan fiction, I read none at all for ten+ years and thought I would never find my way back. It was so very heartening when I did. It gave me hope for S&H and Pros which are currently lying fallow in my life. One problem with opting out for ten years is...you lose track of the fandom: people die, move to other fandoms, get involved in real life, give up writing, give up fandom, change their email addresses and drop off the radar altogether.

Dinner time for me and my dog.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
2014 - MARCH
TARLAN- WAITING FOR THE AXE TO FALL - TRILOGY
JIM-I STILL HAVE PLANS TO GO TO MEXICO
JIM-A CRACK IN THE HEARTHSTONE
RATADDER – BURN ME IF YOU WANT – 7 PARTS
GRAYCOURTNEY – THE IMPOSSIBLE
AINON- REGARDING A CURE – 5 PARTS
ARAXDELAN – PLAYING IN ATTICS – 3 PARTS – mentioned me
ARAXDELAN - BLINDNESS
AKILAH-THE SEQUEL OF OBLIGATION – TRILOGY
MORTIMER – THE SAME EVERYWHERE – 2 PARTS
URSULA – GONE TO DOGS – 15 PARTS OF SERIES – Karen vet based on me
SIBERIAN – SNOW DAY
KING – EVERYTHING DIES III – THE GAME
KING – GODSPEED
KING – GRACE – TRILOGY (ALEX/LOKI, METHOS/LUCIFER)
KING – BLOOD, LOVE & RHETORIC
SKINNERBOX – THE STARS ARE RIGHT
SKINNERBOX – WELCOME TO THE MUSEUM
KING – ANGELS
KING – EMPIRE OF DREAMS
KING – PROMISE
KING – RESPONSIBILITY
KING – RHI PRICES AND CHANCES
KING – THE WAKING
JIM – DESCENT 1 & 2
JIM – DOG IN THE MANGER
JIM – DOG IN THE NIGHT
JIM – DOG OF WAR
JIM – EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY
JIM – GIFT
JIM – GONE 1
JIM – GONE 2 CARRIED AWAY
JIM – GONE 3 TREES
JIM – GONE 4 FROST
JIM – GONE 5 MOUNTAIN
JIM – MOMENT OF PEACE
JIM – RIVER IN A DRY PLACE
JIM – COURAGE TO FORGET
JIM – DON’T ROCK THE BOAT
JIM – IN THE SHADOW OF THE ROCK
JIM – PORTRAIT OF A NEIGHBOUR
JIM – SELF PORTRAIT
JIM – SNOWS AND SIN
JIM – INVITATION TO THE DANCE 1 - 5
JIM – LONG ROAD
JIM – LURE
JIM – SETTLING 1 - 4
JIM – SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK & ROLL
JIM – SOME PLACE WARM
JIM – WAKENED BY SILENCE
JADZIA – MONDAY, 57
JENNIE – FIELD OF GOLD
JAYDE – ABSOLUT ALEX
JAYDE – THE DEATH OF ME
JOSAN – AFTER HOURS
JOSAN – ANOTHER LIFE
JOSAN - BEACH
JOSAN – BEYOND THE BARRIER OF SNOW
JOSAN – BRUTAL FORCES 1-4
JOSAN – CHANCE 1 - 6
JOSAN – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS 4-1
JOSAN – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS 4-2 – mentioned me by name
JOSAN – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS 4-3 – mentioned me by name
JOSAN – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS 4-4
JOSAN – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS 4-5
JOSAN – CLOSED DOORS
JOSAN – DARK AND STORMY NIGHT
JOSAN – DARK AND STORMY 2 HOT AND HUMID
JOSAN – DREAM
JOSAN - DRESSING
JOSAN – EATING 1
JOSAN – EATING 2 MAIL
JOSAN – EATING 3 CONFERENCE
JOSAN – EATING 4 CONFRONTATION
JOSAN – EATING 5 CAMP
JOSAN – EATING 6
JOSAN – EATING 7
JOSAN – EATING 8
JOSAN – EATING 9
JOSAN – EATING 10 THE TRIP
JOSAN – EATING 11 THE VISIT
JOSAN – EATING 12
JOSAN – EATING 13 REASSURANCE
JOSAN – EATING 14 CHRISTMAS
JOSAN – EATING 15 CLEAN CUT
JOSAN – EATING 16 FINALE
JOSAN – FEBRUARY FOURTEEN
JOSAN – GETTING A LIFE – DAVY
JOSAN - HIJACKING
JOSAN – IN DEATH THERE IS LIFE - ZANDER
JOSAN – IN DEATH THERE IS LIFE - ENDINGS
JOSAN – LA FIN
JOSAN – LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS 1
JOSAN – LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS 2
JOSAN – LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS 2.5
JOSAN – LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS 3 ANSWERS
JOSAN – LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS 4 ANSWERS TO ANSWERS
JOSAN – LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS 5
JOSAN – LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS 6 PHILIPA
JOSAN – THE LODGE 1
JOSAN – THE LODGE 2
JOSAN – THE LODGE 3
JOSAN – THE LODGE 4 MORNING
JOSAN – THE LODGE 5 STORM
JOSAN – THE LODGE 6 WORDS
JOSAN – MAGIC
JOSAN – MORNING
JOSAN – NEPHOS – DRAGON
JOSAN – FIRST CHRISTMAS
JOSAN – HALLOWEEN
JOSAN – ORA PRO
JOSAN – REFLECTIONS
JOSAN – SAME CHANNEL
JOSAN – SNOW
JOSAN – SKINNER’S REWARD
JOSAN – SORRY 1-1
JOSAN – SORRY 1-2
JOSAN – SORRY 1-3
JOSAN – SORRY 1-4
JOSAN – SORRY 1-5
JOSAN – SORRY 1-6
JOSAN – SORRY 1-6
JOSAN – SORRY 2
JOSAN – SUBSTITUTE
JOSAN – TARTS
JOSAN – THE BETTER FOR HEARING
JOSAN – THE CHILD IS FATHER TO THE MAN
JOSAN – THE EYES HAVE IT
JOSAN – THE FOOT
JOSAN – THE FUCK
JOSAN – THE MAN OF MYSTERY
JOSAN – TRUTH OF THE MATTER
JOSAN – TRUTH 2 – SIMPLY
JOSAN – TY SOPLIVY SOPHYA
JOSAN – WEDNESDAY EVENING
JOSAN – WHATEVER HAPPENS
JOSAN – WHITHER THOU GOEST
JOSAN – WHITHER 2 – ITS DOGS

She has another pseudonym under which she writes darker stuff
I do not read the darker stuff more than once. Everything above is good and I have read every one many times. I am sorry to finish.

So much to look forward to in my projected list for April. I love my eReaders.
COURTNEY GRAY - PLAYERS + ALL
FLUTESONG – ALL
URSULA – GONE TO DOGS (died Jan 30 2012)
SECOND GRACE- ZINE
SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL - ZINE
SYMPATHY PAINS – ZINE
COHORTS 4 – ZINE
M/K ULTRA - ZINE
OVER EXPOSURE - ZINE
EXPOSURE – ZINE
INDECENT EXPOSURE – ZINE
X-PLICIT FANTASIES 1 – ZINE
X-PLICIT FANTASIES 3 – ZINE
LEATHER AND ARMANI – ZINE
THE GIFT OF AN ENEMY – ZINE SYLVIA
SYLVIA – ALL
MCGRATH - IVAN
ARLINGTON – THESE MEN OF HONOR
DRAIG – CHAMELEON
WU – ECHO LANE
WU – EXIGENCY SERIES
KASS – ALL
SLEEPS WITH COYOTES – BREATHLESS & SOLIDARITY +
GRYFALFON – CELEBRITY
ABITE – A COUPLE
AD ABSURDUM – CUPID’S BOW
TASHA ABRAMS – WONDERLAND & WHITE RABBIT
RITICULAN – IF THOU WILT REMEMBER & BROTHERS
XFILES XMAS 2012 ALL
XFILES XMAS 2011 ALL
DONNA MCINTOSH – ALL
JO B – XPATROL30 –EVERY MALE EVERY FANDOM PREGNANT
BETH – BUCK, GLOW STARS, COURSE OF TRUE LOVE
DARGELOS – AWAKENING OF STONES
DEMIX-BROTHERS IN ARMS 1-5, THE BLOWING OF NEXUS
CLAIR DOBBIN – STEAL YOUR FIRE SERIES, ALL
ELIZABETH – SUGAR & SPICE
ERIKA – ALIEN CONSPIRACY-WOLVERINE WIP, NOVENAS
URSULA – ILLEGAL ALIENS – HUMOUR - ALL
F. KATHERINE – POISONING PIGEONS, INIS ICILEAN – ALL
FENSTER – CABBAGES & KINGS, PAWNS & PLAYERS
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Finding familiar names, happy to learn how to navigate. Repeating myself in posts. Still haven't found Josan but managed to send post to Sleeps with Coyotes. Am currently reading my way through my Authors-XFiles-J and thoroughly enjoying Josan's Close Encounters series. Things about me, I betad for many in X-Files including Ursula/Fan4Richie. I betad for Nightbird/Kaye Austen Michaels in Starsky & Hutch. I have a huge trilogy she wrote just for me that has never been posted or archived (an mpreg that she doesn't want anyone to see) and it is as well written as her posted stories. She wrote her Eternity series for me when I told her I wanted Starsky as a ghost who could be felt. I love fandom, I love fan fiction writers. I have been guilty of letting real life take over and time passes so quickly that old friends lose touch. I write to SHaron, Shael, Tarlan and many others at least once a year to touch base. I try to contact writers when I reread their stories to say how much continuing pleasure I am getting. I miss Bardsmaid, TaVeryMate, Ursula and so many others who have passed on too early. I hate that so many stories were lost when Geocities closed. I remember when Ter/Ma closed abruptly and all the stories were in limbo for years till someone managed to bring them back.

Getting older and Lewis Collins death brought home just how old when my crushes start dying. Elvis, Oliver Reed, David Carradine and Lew are just examples that leap to mind.

I joined fandom when Onelist started. Live Journal has fragmented list culture and it is hard to keep up with an entire fandom anymore. I love Pros for Frances who posts the newsletter of collected Pros every week and that is such a blessing to that fandom's followers.

Okay, it is time to take my toy poodle out into the teeth of the snowstorm (five inches on ground) and try to find a flat spot for her and then lunch. Dieting...the bane of my existence...is going well this time...gotta love Dr. Atkins.

I will try to remember to check in here. Still learning, do comment posts to my ID come to me via email too? Being able to crosspost to my Live Journal means I will not have to duplicate my effort to keep it all.

New here

Mar. 22nd, 2014 12:29 pm
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
It takes me forever to decide to join things. I have been brushing up against Dreamwidth for years following urls to fan fiction stories. Today I was searching for Sleeps With Coyotes which led me to Dreamwidth but found myself locked out after I joined just to read her.
Time passes so swiftly and life changes all around. People drift away, change email addresses, take their stories down from the net and interest waxes and wains in any given fandom.

I collected every X-Files story in my OTP and then moved on to add an addition OTP in the same fandom thanks to Josan. For years I saved and saved and read. Then one day on a nostalgia search I came across Starsky & Hutch fandom and started reading and soon one day I woke up and found I could not read another X-Files story. I repeated the pattern of archiving every story I could find and reading exclusively in S&H for years, all the while I kept all my X-Files list active and saved every newly posted story. Then came the day when I was rereading favourite S&H for the nth time and ready for something new and a friend handed me a bunch of Pros tapes and zines and I was off to the races. Again, I dove into Pros and bought all the zines and saved all the stories and...well you get the picture. Soon I was no longer reading S&H at all but continued to save the new stories. Ten years passed since I last read X-Files and one day I found myself reading a story and wow interest came alive. I bought an ereader and loaded all my saved stories and read for a year. S&H and Pros were sidelined...but I now had faith that I would return to them sooner or later so I am still saving their stories and occasionally rooting through archives for any I have missed. I am so glad I continued to save the stories, I am so glad I started saving them in the first place because, as I said above, writers take their websites down, remove their stories from the net. I have all of Sleeps With Coyotes X-Files stories saved safe and sound.

What brought all this up was 'feedback', over the years I have given feedback sporadically. These days when I am rereading so long after the fact and am so thrilled by some of the stories and really want to write and tell the writer how much her story still resonates after all this time and am saddened and frustrated that I cannot do it.

I have just finished Godspeed, Everything Dies, Grace, Responsibility, Promise, Breathless, Solidarity. All of them wonderful. Every one ending too soon leaving me aching for more. Such a wonderful writer. Heard a rumour that she has turned professional and wish I knew what name she was writing under because I would buy all her books.

Well, that is my introduction. I have done a mini search of the site and found one familiar name so far...msmoat (I have a huge collection of her wonderful stories too in Pros and Starsky & Hutch).

It is time for breakfast, only down 1/2 pound after one week of dieting but that makes 28 1/2 since October so three cheers.
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