Weirdness

[ladyloveswolves7]

Odd feeling this morning as I look out at the winter landscape. I am not an observant person. I am not terribly self aware and my memory is lamentable. I spend my life reading, of which I retain strange bits. My brain is like a magpie for information...none of what it retains makes sense. My memory for my past is spotty at best, entire years are gone and certainly most of the people I have ever met. Ashley is dying by inches...not in pain but losing weight despite a good appetite. Blind, deaf and she has lost her sense of smell. Also might have dementia. I am selfishly hanging on to her but it has changed my life in significant ways and my focus. Today I feel strange and weird and the world feels unfamiliar. This year feels, somehow, different in some odd way that I cannot pin down. I am not introspective and can easily ignore everything outside myself. I have not left the apartment (to go outside..I have been to lobby often) since November 12th....3 weeks. I needed groceries but did not want to go out so had them delivered. The world news is depressing and frightening and I feel a bit like I am digging myself a hole and pulling the dirt in behind me. Withdrawing. That odd feeling I experienced this morning was not unpleasant...it was a calm, serene feeling as if I realized that my personal life was perfect and I was happy. Isn't it strange that happiness should make me feel such an oddness.