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Louise called and started expressing her opinion of the pandemic and it was all bullshit, uniformed bullshit but she felt entitled to argue with me and insist that her point of view was valid. I felt like screaming at her....have you drunk the Kool-aid, no I don't want to listen to your crackpot thoughts. Get off the fucking phone and do some damned research and quit assaulting my ears with bullshit. Finally got her to listen and admit she hadn't heard half of the information I gave her. So frustrating and aggravating and it is frightful. She is not a stupid woman and here she is walking around with blinders. I told her it felt like I was talking to a friend that I thought was intelligent who just started telling me she had voted for Trump and thought he was smart and kind and helpful and and and....my head explodes. She laughed and we got off the phone still friendly but damn. I am really so sick of stupid people. Wendy's grand-daughter Mackenzie got on a fucking plane full of her friends to go on spring break to Colombia and then panic sets in and borders are closing and planes might be grounded and Canada is calling all Canadians to get home and Cheyenne is on Facebook panicking about her fucking chick who she allowed to get on a fucking plane in the MIDDLE OF A GODDAMNED PANDEMIC. Family that I thought had a few brain cells to rub together are acting like brain dead morons. Unbelievable.
Odd feeling this morning as I look out at the winter landscape. I am not an observant person. I am not terribly self aware and my memory is lamentable. I spend my life reading, of which I retain strange bits. My brain is like a magpie for information...none of what it retains makes sense. My memory for my past is spotty at best, entire years are gone and certainly most of the people I have ever met. Ashley is dying by inches...not in pain but losing weight despite a good appetite. Blind, deaf and she has lost her sense of smell. Also might have dementia. I am selfishly hanging on to her but it has changed my life in significant ways and my focus. Today I feel strange and weird and the world feels unfamiliar. This year feels, somehow, different in some odd way that I cannot pin down. I am not introspective and can easily ignore everything outside myself. I have not left the apartment (to go outside..I have been to lobby often) since November 12th....3 weeks. I needed groceries but did not want to go out so had them delivered. The world news is depressing and frightening and I feel a bit like I am digging myself a hole and pulling the dirt in behind me. Withdrawing. That odd feeling I experienced this morning was not unpleasant...it was a calm, serene feeling as if I realized that my personal life was perfect and I was happy. Isn't it strange that happiness should make me feel such an oddness.
