ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
With all the casual and not so casual cruelty, outright torture and murder of animals for fun, profit, food and just plain human nastiness, in your face every day, it is no wonder that people in PETA come across as unhinged sometimes. It must be like Sisyphus every day only ugly and worse and even more demoralizing. It seems like it would slowly drive you loonytoons and that members would start to go over the edge and do crazy stuff.

Saw a photo of my sister posted to Facebook by her grandson yesterday. She was at Michelle's place for Thanksgiving (Swiss Chalet). It was only a back view and her hair looked terrible and she is chunky. I realized as I was looking at the picture that it was always ME that maintained contact and did all the running around to maintain a relationship with her..never ever the other way around. I could count on the fingers of one hand how many times she actually drove anywhere to visit any of the homes I have ever lived in. Last time she wrote was that nasty, snubbing email on June 29, 2021 and since I did not reply and have not reached out since...there has been silence. I do not even comment on her Facebook posts. It is like she is dead to me...but I still mourn the loss of what we did have.

I stumbled across something weird and interesting and shocking. There is a sexual category to be pigeonholed into...like heterosexual, homosexual, lesbian, trans, and asexual. Asexual has a lot of subcategories like caedsexual and fictosexual. I suddenly realized that there was an explanation for my disconnection in the physical...why my body just did not seem to be aware and that my mind drove me to do things that it thought it should do at the time but the body was just an instrument and not a participant.

Wow, to finally know at 76 what the fuck was wrong with me my entire life and realize I am not alone in this either. Amazing. It explains why I never understood other women's craving for sex or craziness when they did not get it or their pleasure when they had it. I can remember stretching my mind trying to understand something ...like hearing a sighted person describe colour.

It was like that with religion, everyone around me with faith, and me wondering how do I get that. All those trips to every denomination church, all those services, all those bibles and nothing. The mind and body just refused to belief. I wanted it, I wanted what those people seemed to so fervently believe but in the end I not only could not believe but found it hard not to think that they were PUTTING IT ON for effect. It is still unreal to me and I still look at people spouting their beliefs as not quite all there.

All those books I read with sex and never able to actual ask a human female 'what is it like...what does it feel like'. No wonder this last fifteen years have been the happiest of my life, no wonder growing old where I and society no longer think of me as a sexual being and not having someone is a normal thing, or not being interested at all in sex or masturbation or books with sex or anything to do with sex..can now be considered normal because I am PASSED IT.

I no long have to hide what or who I am from people. I love having my bed to myself, I love single person stuff. There is so much shit I don't want anyone else to see or know about, that I never want to have to explain to another human being. Basically, anything I ever want to see or do is best enjoyed alone, on a bed with a book or a computer or a notepad and no other noise whatsoever.

I do not want people/men to look at me with appreciation or with sexual intent. I am neuter in all the tests I take on personality. Introverted and of no sexual identity whatsoever. It is why I put on so much weight...a fat suit to hide behind. In 2013, I lost a lot of weight because I felt safe from that gaze in men's eyes and then Finton made a pass that I had to deflect and I felt the fear and within a short period of time I had my fat suit back on for five years. This year with Peter gone and Finton gone I am again losing the weight. I walk the world oblivious to other people of any sex. All my friendships and acquaintances came to me...I never sought them. I never tried to MAKE a friend or chase a lover...I often tried to fend them off at the start but if they were persistent then gradually I started reciprocating..not because I physically wanted to (I was often repulsed at people wanting to hug or say I love you or kiss you even on the cheek as they arrive or depart) but because my mind told me the motions required. It never ever felt natural and spontaneous. There are still a minimum of people in my life, I am not a joiner, I do not like to socialize, I do not like small talk. I also have no filter when I am forced into situations where I am one on one with another person. Words just seem to flood out of me...to keep them at bay or to drive them away. I hate going outside and talking to people can be excruciating and I am always happy when I go to get the mail etc. and meet no-one. I like a lot of alone time. I like having my own shit around me untouched by others.

Why I recognized caedsexual (result of trauma). None of what I read stated the trauma was in childhood. I was withdrawn and an outsider even before it happened but disconnected forever after. Chicken and egg. What I am, what I might have become as a result of trauma is certainly not a choice. It is what I have been as long as I can recall.

Haphazard and inconsistent childhood...nothing to hold onto...no safety net. Life was so random and precarious. Adults so untrustworthy and unavailable. No love or affection from anyone except predators wanting sexual things. It appeared that all I had to offer the world was my body and that body was wooden and it was my mind that was bruised.

Speaking of families - memory is so unreliable but my recollection is: Wendy was always MY responsibility. She was also the winsome little girl who stayed for dinner, got the cookies and freshly baked bread right out of the oven from neighbours and landlords. I was the one across the street shivering looking in the window. I remember ironing (standing on a box), I remember scrubbing clothes in a cement sink on a washboard, I remember putting clothes through a ringer washer and hanging them on the line in all kinds of weather. I remember frozen sheets. I remember dampening with a sprinkler bottle or putting in the freezer. I remember peeling a million potatoes and scraping wax off floors and rewaxing. I remember painting all the green squares on the huge linoleum kitchen floor on Queen Street while my mother painted the white. I remember hanging wallpaper with my mother. Where was Wendy? I do not remember her at my side sharing chores. I think I remember dinner preparation or dishes at Queen Street when Bent came into our lives. Too bad I cannot ask her her memories of that time....the bitch has decided I am a waste of her time.

The internet and email arrived in my life at a perfect time and suits me. My perfect relationships are faceless people sharing their minds electronically.

Ah, as for the asexual subsections:

The sexuality of being attracted to fictional characters, people who play those characters, and occasionally to other fictsexuals or avid fans

Person 1: Why don't you go out with some real people instead of fantasizing about X-Files characters all day?

Person 2: I can't! I'm fictsexual.

My fantasies never include me..as me. I am always watching and manipulating from behind the scenes or if I am one of the characters...I can be any sex but always focused outward and never recognizably me.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Cat owner Joan Webb left yesterday for Guelph to spend five days over Thanksgiving with her son and I made a plan, 8, 12, 6 and 11 I would go in and do for him. Best laid plans.

Okay, slept in and ended up creeping down hall in pajamas to feed Mozart at 8:45am...sigh

Amazon did an update on Kindle and wiped out all my books. Twenty-four hours and still counting but interrupted for 4 hours yesterday when power went off in the area including the street lights.

Just made pot of tea. Still working on getting all my books downloaded from Amazon cloud onto my Kindle..so frustrating but this is the first time it has happened since I got my first Kindle back in????have to check when...June 2021...isn't is great that every book, all 1268 of them, that I have bought from Amazon is still listed on site so I can SEE WHERE ALL MY MONEY HAS GONE.

Bea's daughter took Bea's car and her personal walker to visit Barrie Manor yesterday and did a test run of getting Bea to the car and into it and it worked so they are feeling much more confident about bringing her home on Saturday.

I broiled a can of turkey spam with mayo on top till a lot of the fat was cooked away and it actually tasted really good. So next time I will do the same thing and try mustard. I am soooo adventurous when it comes to cooking. Today I am roasting a head of cauliflower with olive oil and covered in turmeric (fasting the weekend and this cauliflower needs to be USED UP..isn't that a cute way of describing eating.

I have been going through drawers and sorting to unload stuff or at least tidy...yesterday it was my card drawer. It was just like the manual drawer...sorted and got rid of 1/3 of them. So many keepers. At least the drawer is now organized and neat.

Next is the t-shirt drawer...all those old Starsky & Hutch and Pros t-shirts that are only good for the rag bag (I really wish textiles were recyclable). I must bite the bullet and unload them. I still have an unworn X-Files TER/MA tee shirt (I will try to take a photo and send it to Elizabeth Maner) with Ned&Leny lovers sleeping.

I tried to start keeping a journal for Brandon (one of the things that bothered me a lot after my mother died was there was no hand written record of anything - not even a grocery list - none of her life experiences, her thoughts or feelings written down) well the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I have given up and today started transcribing what I had written to him (or a precis thereof) into my actual big journal that I hadn't written in since 2016. I will give him the Tardis notebook as is for Christmas. The problem is...I do all my journal writing on line in about four different places and I write to four friends (Lois, Elizabeth, Karen Rae Travers and Elvie) with whatever my grasshopper mind throws up and that counts as a life journal of sorts. There is never a shortage of things to do. Judging by my Live Journal I am not very good at keeping even those up to date.

About feeling older....went to pick up two packages (not heavy but awkward) when a younger (just retired) neighbour offer to help me by carrying the heaviest one and though I accepted all I thought was..oh my god...I have become that person. I offer to help my older neighbours and in my mind I am thinking I am younger and stronger and should help these..well you get the picture...whaaaaaaaa.

Well new eating pad did not do anything for aching arm and neither did CBD oil. Turns out I should probably have been using ice packs. I was thinking that when winter comes and I do not put the heat on...I can put it over me feet...cause if my feet are toasty the rest of me is warm.

I would not want to bring children into the world that is coming especially not seeing how difficult it is for the most recent generation.

I spent a good part of this week (once I stopped scrubbing walls, painting tile grout on floor and shower stall of bathroom, washing windows and mirrors etc.) changing text files into mobi (I downloaded Mobipocket Create) to transfer to Kindle via USB and IT WORKED. I've got so many of my favourite X-Files stories now on my tiny unit to take with me anywhere...NOW TO GO SOMEWHERE :-)

Have lost 56 pounds so far since April 3, 2021. Brandon has cataract surgery appointment for 11:15 am on October 12th. I booked a taxi for 8:00am. Not wanting to wish my life away and trying to live one day at a time...I can't wait for October 20th to know the surgery went well and he is over the danger point and the eye works.

Ordered myself a Remarkable2 on September 28th, today I wrote to say where the hell is it. I got confirmation of sale on September 28 and then nada...no shipping information or anything. I also have not heard anything about a shipping date for The Loving Reaper book I ordered on August 15th.

Sent out a bunch of e-card today ..birthday to Dana who I have not heard from in forever. Hello card to Norman..who I have not heard from in forever. Thanksgiving cards to Lois, Elizabeth, KarenTravers and Elvis (also wrote them long letters). I reread Wendy's snarky mean email from June 29th that was a reply to my complaining email on her birthday. Zero dark thirty and ghosting her...well who is ghosting whom? Heard absolutely NOTHING from the bitch ever since. She is the one who claims she is too busy for my mundane emails and begrudges the time spent in composing replies.




Going back to downloading books, fortunately, I can do two things at once so I am not sitting focused on Kindle for hours at a time but first I better check the oven. (another chore that needs doing next...clean that damned oven....can't wait to try Barkeeper's Friend on that sucker)
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
When I read a book there is a mind picture that forms, a taste almost of the atmosphere, a sense of the space, a visual of the characters and a feel for entirety

I am reading a book for the second time and find it is an entirely different experience from the first time. That fact is what makes rereading possible. Depending on how much time has elapsed since the first reading I may or may not enjoy a book as much the second time or I might enjoy it even more. One can age out of books or grow into them. This was just as funny and I still love Jane even if my visualization of her has changed. It was a really good series and I am glad there is another one to read and wish there were more.

I think this explains how I can reread a book multiple times and every time is like the first.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
What brings people together to cheer mindlessly. Trump has made such a frightening mess of the USA and the world situation that we look at his 'fans' and think 'are you out of your fucking mind?'

But all of a sudden I thought of fandom in all its forms and other things like Branch Davidian, the members of Jim Jones cult that killed themselves, the people waiting in the desert for aliens to come and take them away, the group that killed themselves waiting for the mothership, Hitler's rallies, Mussolini's rallies, people standing outside Windsor after Diana died, Trudeaumania, Elvis fans, Beatles fans. We speak of his followers as a cult but I don't believe that is the case. Groups gather to celebrate, talk, party, scream, dance and yell and be a part of something larger than themselves all the time. The world is full of strange and lonely people who all have different beliefs and obsessions. Specifically what brought the thought was fandom. There are one fandom people, there are serial fandom people (like me but I remain faithful to all my past fandoms), there are people who follow multiple fandoms. The different pairings are endless and looking at some of them from outside you think WTF. The stories within a single fandom display an incredible breadth of subject matter and if you have ever been squicked by something you have read about your favourite pairing you would understand the blinding observation that people really are different. Same show, two minds so diverged. Think of sex and all the different ways people relate..BSDM, sadism, masochism, m/m, f/f, threessomes and more. Think of furries and bikers and curlers. People become interested in so many different things and looking at some of them from outside one wonders...how can they possibly love that. Sports...hockey lovers who hate basketball. Others who love watching skating competitions. The things that interest others most often seem weird to those of us bored to tears by whatever it is..or outright detest whatever it is...like dog fighting rings or cockfighting rings or people who go out and shoot wild animals for fun and ego satisfaction.
Look at all the different religions and the fanatics that follow many of them and the weird things they believe. Look at all the different varieties and churches just in Christianity. So, the mistake we have been making is in thinking Trump supporters are morons and stupid and blind and self-destructive and treasonous when they are merely fans who have found their current niche, a home with like-minded people and even if you find some of them off putting or coming at the fandom from a different place than you...you are accepting because the 'object' of your affection is the same. Think of having a child who is different - disabled, mentally ill, criminal, tortures animals and goes on to kill people...the parent hurts but protects. The parent might turn a blind eye and refuse to believe their child capable of the horrors and even when faced with incontrovertible truth still denies the reality because it is totally unacceptable to them...they will it not to be true. Those who fell in love with Trump as a media star (and look at the variety of media stars and what awful people some of them are..even John Wayne was an asshole but much beloved and excused for his opinions and thoughts) it is so hard to let go of the fantasy of what he represented to you in the beginning. It is like when your teenager brings home a totally unacceptable boyfriend/girlfriend and you as a parent want to throw him/her out of the house and scream at your kid that it is a horrible choice and you refuse to let the relationship continue...I guarantee you that what might have been a single month relationship could become a marriage just to defy you. Trump supporters are the same..juvenile as that may sound but then fandom is a hangover of our juvenile refusal to grow up. The more we disparage them, make fun of them, criticize them, the more fervent they become and the more determined to stand by their man. Maybe if we left them alone and accepted their right to choose their love object...they might just come to a point where it is time to move on to another fandom, another pairing, another anything.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
We all know that the Republicans in power have their hands in the till and are sticking with Trump because once he goes, they go. We also know that a lot of fringe weird morons will never leave Trump's base no matter what crime he commits. But, there MUST be sane, sensible, honest, upright citizens who love America, love the constitution, believe in true law and order, revere truth and justice and do not want America to become a police state with citizens being beaten in the streets for lawful, peaceful protests. Those Republicans should take a deep breath and for once in their lives vote Democratic ticket. Four years...please just give us a four year breather and use that four years to find and groom a decent Republican to run for President four years from now. Save the country from gestapo tactics and a fascist president. Trump was NOT your choice, he became what was left for you to vote for if you were determined to vote Republican, just as Democrats are faced with Biden. The system and the dark money on both sides give you unpalatable choices...please please please side with sanity and give America a chance to breathe again. Because for 3 1/2 years we have not been able to breathe under Trump.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Yes, that is what it feels like. Killing my dog. Euthanasia..such a polite word doesn't quite cover the feelings engendered by thoughts of putting Ashley to sleep. In the past month or more she has trouble walking, cannot keep her head up, keeps TRIPPING OVER HER MUZZLE and doing somersaults. She is sleeping more and I think has even lost more weight. So I think...quality of life. It has been a year in dark silence without a nose to bring in the information of the world. She is fed and drinks water, sleeps and dreams CBD dreams, for a year she walked a LOT in circles bumping into things and getting stuck under others. She is passive but when caught will squeal. No matter how I handle her she does not squeak. It is my need that is keeping her alive, not her quality of life. What quality can this life be? As long as she is breathing, eating, evacuating and not exhibiting any signs of pain...is that my criteria? And should it be? So, with the new hanging head problem I think, I will take her to the vet on her 16th birthday which is May 1. A week goes by and I count the days..only eight left. I look at her, I cuddle her in my arms this tiny newborn, silent, still, accepting animal and my heart hurts and I think...again...it is too soon. How about my birthday, July 31st, three more months. Right now in the middle of a pandemic Covid-19 with the world up in the air and now the news of Norman's brother Glen being murdered and Tom Beda dying..maybe too much for me. By July 31st the world should be clearer, maybe Covid will resolve itself. One more summer. Since I have to stay inside for Covid, as I have for Ashley for a year, a few more months will, maybe, bring more clarity. I just wish I knew I was not being selfish and cruel.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
The first thing my mother taught me was to clean. We were the poorest of the poor, a 19 year old, uneducated girl with two children, alone in a garage loaned as shelter by a kind acquaintance. I never had new clothes and the ones I had were inadequate to the weather. We were always hungry and lived in places with spiders and rats and cockroaches but from the earliest age my mother had me scrubbing. Washboards and lye soap in concrete tubs came before wringer washers. Hanging clothes out on the line in all kinds of weather freezing to hang, frozen to remove. I was stood on a box to reach the ironing board at six. My life became always cleaning up after others until I ended up solitary in my concrete box in the sky with only myself to keep clean and pick up after. Mini rebellions surface, bathless for days, floors unwashed, dusting neglected, vacuuming abhorrent and avoided as long as possible. Certain things never neglected, laundry done practically the moment it is removed from body, dishes never allowed to pile up, stove top always gleaming, interior of fridge spotless. Clothes are changed from skin out daily, teeth are frequently neglected. I am currently reading Among the Bohemians about artists, writers, painters, sculptors, musicians from 1900 on who left their homes to congregate in squalor and starvation in garrets to serve their art. In the middle of a particular chapter on Mrs. Beeton's rules and the daily chores of women after the first world war deprived them all of cooks and cleaning women had me up and lifting rugs and shaking, sweeping tile floors and then washing them, scrubbing down cabinet doors, putting ruglets in wash. I was never artistic, didn't have any particular skill (except spelling :-) and generally floated through life oblivious of most things but long before women's liberation noise impinged, I always felt a sense of disconnect and dislike of the inequality between men and women as represented by housework. The constant, daily, repetition of the same tasks. The hour of my life gone as I swept and washed the floors, to experience a moment of pleasure at a job well done and over with and shining proof of accomplishment, only to have a man or children or animals come in and casually destroy it all in a matter of seconds and there it was to do all over again. A more thankless life I cannot imagine, no salary to show someone appreciates in any way, shape or form the action just taken and time spent. No gratitude or thanks or attempt to preserve the work. Here it was put in more stark terms, these women had a calling, a gift, a talent and in so many it was wasted, thrown away ..replaced by peeling potatoes and sweeping floors. I feel a bit like Pavlov's dog, a line or two in a book rang my bell and now I have clean floors and the urge to vacuum which I am resisting.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
It is almost as if: Trump was briefed back in January and he gathered all his cronies like Steven Miller and Jared Kushner to find out how they could make money off this situation. Then Republicans gathered to figure out ways they could benefit. Several sold off major stocks in things that were going to tank fast on shut down of economy and invested in things that would boom in a pandemic. Others scurried around like rats figuring how to make book or money on the pandemic. Some thought..hey, real estate crisis, not enough new homes, kill off a lot of old folk and voila frees up real estate and government gets estate taxes for Trump to spend on wall, less money going out for social security so he can tap more out of that fund. Maybe a lot of old age homes will empty freeing up beds at higher prices. Maybe a lot of expensive veterans will die. Maybe the homeless population might be thinned. Hey, we can exploit this and come out on top. So FEMA/Federal government starts outbidding the state for equipment and then ships it to red states to save Republican bodies and lets blue states in more desperate straits go begging as the death rate in Democrat voters goes higher...win win for Republicans. Then using the pandemic as an excuse the Republicans use it as a squeeze tactic to get another huge windfall for the top 1% and corporations that don't pay any tax and offer dribs and drabs to the actual tax paying populace. They lie and obfuscate and placate and tell happy stories and pretend they never heard any of the hospitals crying for supplies and complaining supplies are in short supply (i NEVER HEARD THERE WAS A PROBLEM WITH NOT ENOUGH TESTS). Trump's failing hotels will get money and ordinary tax paying citizens will lose their homes. Insurance companies will raise their premiums to cover their losses, people will go bankrupt for tests for everything but the virus and still not get free test for virus cause THERE ARE NO FUCKING REAGENT CHEMICALS AND THEREFORE NO TESTS. i could go on but it makes me sick.

On the bright side...sort of...my family comes out of this just fine thank you very much. I am a solitary who loves to hibernate and I am retired so income is secure (except for savings which are melting), sister is also retired and no savings to melt, younger son on disability with no savings to melt, Brandon in meat industry...still working and drawing full salary (worried about his lungs and virus), Michelle works for post office another secure job and continued salary, Cheyenne is a nurse and is assured of work through this thing. Mackenzie job on hold but she has mommy's money to balance any shortfall of EI. David is also on disability and I have no idea about Michelle's second boy. All in all we are covered.

Virus

Mar. 18th, 2020 08:43 pm
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Louise called and started expressing her opinion of the pandemic and it was all bullshit, uniformed bullshit but she felt entitled to argue with me and insist that her point of view was valid. I felt like screaming at her....have you drunk the Kool-aid, no I don't want to listen to your crackpot thoughts. Get off the fucking phone and do some damned research and quit assaulting my ears with bullshit. Finally got her to listen and admit she hadn't heard half of the information I gave her. So frustrating and aggravating and it is frightful. She is not a stupid woman and here she is walking around with blinders. I told her it felt like I was talking to a friend that I thought was intelligent who just started telling me she had voted for Trump and thought he was smart and kind and helpful and and and....my head explodes. She laughed and we got off the phone still friendly but damn. I am really so sick of stupid people. Wendy's grand-daughter Mackenzie got on a fucking plane full of her friends to go on spring break to Colombia and then panic sets in and borders are closing and planes might be grounded and Canada is calling all Canadians to get home and Cheyenne is on Facebook panicking about her fucking chick who she allowed to get on a fucking plane in the MIDDLE OF A GODDAMNED PANDEMIC. Family that I thought had a few brain cells to rub together are acting like brain dead morons. Unbelievable.

Gifts

Mar. 6th, 2020 03:50 pm
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
My entire life has taught me one thing - there is no free lunch. There is nothing for nothing in this world. There is ALWAYS a price. Large or small, spoken or unspoken, sometimes self imposed but there is always a price.

Denise or Bea gives me a surprise gift - I love it, I am delighted to be thought of, I am anxious because now I feel I must reciprocate in some way. They will protest that it is not expected, they had no thought of getting anything in return - maybe - but as time passes they do think "gee, I did something nice for her and she never does anything nice for me", and so it starts - the canker worm in the apple of the relationship.

Parents care for you and feed you and love you - maybe - and in return they expect, want, need, demand obedience, love and to feel pride and not shame at who and what you are and how you succeed in life.

The smallest transactions between people or animals requires a quid pro quo.

This might be considered a twisted view but I prefer to think realistically about things and it has been based on my 75 years on this planet.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
I was thinking of how crazy it has made me to watch ordinary Americans crowded into Trump rallies, cheering him on, wearing t-shirts they paid him for sporting his latest slogan and all this despite the lies, the criminal behaviour, the outright theft from their pockets. Last night I thought of Walmartians and the thousands of pictures available on the net of these strange people who, when you look at them, you think WTF were they thinking, are they blind...have they no shame? My mind wandered on to Vicks..famous and rich and loves to hurt dogs and thinks it is okay. On to Davidian's compound, the mothership folk, Jones and his koolaid. It continued...fundamentalist christians that send money to men like Falwell despite knowing they use it to live high on the hog. I kept thinking about people who run puppy mills and perpetuate that kind of horror, Epstein and his little girls, suicide bombers promised what in return for their lives? On and on my mental progress through a world where horrors are routine everywhere and we live with them. Random people walk out with a gun and kill 1-50 other random people and nothing is done. Politicians like McConnell work the system up front and brazenly and dare anyone to say them nay and no one does or seems to have the power. 300,000 million people in the country and these few stand and thumb their noses at those that elected them and pick their pockets and the population seems totally helpless to stop them. The government takes a good chunk of the money the people sweat for, leaving them barely enough to keep a roof over their heads and feed their children. The government then spends the money on wars deliberately fomented so that the oil barons and the arms merchants get obscenely richer and the children of those same tax payers die far from home. Then some fat rich politician cuts food stamps, health care, allows pharmaceutical companies to raise the cost of necessary drugs out of the reach of the citizens that need them to survive, sells public land to rich friends, allows other rich friends to pollute drinking water, takes away protections for endangered species so other rich men can get richer and 300,000 million people seemingly can do nothing, in fact, 150,000 million cheer them on as their jobs disappear, they have to sell the family farm to a big conglomerate (you think that wasn't planned), miners with black lung are given a two minute audience after travelling hundreds of miles to beg for help of their elected official. The craziness goes on and on and on and I am lying somewhere between asleep and awake and trying to see my way to somehow not caring. I want to stop feeling angry, I want to stop feeling astonished, surprised and sick. I want to stop wondering how this can happen. I want an answer. I can't turn to a bible and let it tell me just accept the shit... that if you believe ...something better will come in the next world. We are living the Peter Principle...we have all risen to our level of incompetence and can no longer deal effectively with our world and so we are like chickens with our heads cut off... running in circles for the little time we have left. There doesn't seem to be an answer but if I can hold that image in my mind of Walmartians and Trumpers, maybe I can accept that I have always known there was crazy in the world..it is just that I forgot that most of it wears a normal face with their crazy on the inside and the poor Walmartians wear theirs on the outside for the world to see. They always tell speakers with stage fright to look out and picture the audience naked. From now on when I look at pictures of Trump supporters...I will see Walmartians.

Impeachment

Dec. 9th, 2019 10:05 am
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Question: If the Democrats, like the rest of us, believe that Mitch McConnell will hold a fake, show trial and acquit Trump, why not put everything into the impeachment...ten or twenty articles of impeachment and impeach him on however many they can get voted on..leaving the rest ON RECORD. Let McConnell have his day of obstruction and outright lawlessness and then have the entire articles of impeachment document printed and posted online and sold in bookstores and exposed over and over and over until and maybe this time the famous 'trickle down' will reach people and Trump and Pence will be voted out of office in November. Because - truth to tell...no one wants Pence sitting in that chair in the White House so they are not screaming very loud about what McConnell has planned for the trial. We just have to get through one more year. I wonder how many of those people on food stamps voted for Trump...how many of those farmers who are losing their farms voted for Trump...how many of those coal miners with black lung who have been given the bums rush voted for Trump. He is burning people at a rate that is beyond belief and somehow, some way karma has to happen.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
I made mom's Danish rice and ate six plus cups in two days. It wasn't perfect but it was close enough. Next on the agenda is to try crockpot stuffing. I have not left the apartment since November 12th when I went to Dr. Dibble's. I ordered delivery of whiskey, pet food, Zehrs in the meantime and watched the snow fall. I moved furniture around in apartment...a sign of depression...my excuse was reduce hidey holes for Ashley. Made appointment for Georgian Carpet to come in and clean on Friday 13th which means I have to do a thorough cleaning and vacuum the day before. Ash is okay...knock on wood. This has been an interesting year for repairs and replacements around the apartment...a sense of accomplishment. Everyone is still alive and mostly well. Dave, after his close brush with death, is on the wagon and doing well which makes Wendy's life so much better. Wendy is still a lousy correspondent and continues to disappoint me. Brandon is finally using CBD oil and finding it helps significantly with the pain. Ashley is also still alive thanks to CBD oil. Lena is still in her house after an assessment agreed she still has her marbles and is entitled to make her own decisions..she will be 101 in February. Rosie, my neighbour, had a heart attack but has bounced back nicely. Her partner looks worse than she does. No change in Ken's life. Bea is still active and moaning about Doug and Kenny and Codi dying. I don't recall driving people crazy talking about my mother's death or Beaugi's. Somehow you know they get bloody tired of your wallowing. This is not to say that she shouldn't wallow but god help me if she starts another damned conversation with how low she is feeling because of Kenny and Doug and Codi and oh god John had to go to China and she worried the entire time and Dougie lives in PEI and so far away and doesn't call enough and Lori treats her badly and Ethel is losing it and she is so tired of people repeating themselves...WHY THE HELL CAN'T SHE HEAR HERSELF. Part of my self-imposed hibernation is avoiding Bea. Rant over. Snowing...winter started in October and hasn't let up but it looks pretty. John sent money to Ken and Brandon and I sent Brandon's money to Ken...told John so. He still is holding aloof since I told him a few home truths. I should call June and Bonnie. I mailed half my Christmas cards yesterday...now procrastinating over the rest. I might just make my Goodread's challenge of 365 books this year but I damned well better not do it again next year. My tree went up on December 1 and I plugged it in and lights didn't work. I futzed around and flicked a switch (that I have been thinking for years was for the bathroom fan) and lo...there was light. Turns out the switch controls the outlet behind Mom's kitchen dresser...something new...now I can actually plug in a lamp and use it on that thing or the heating fan that I found for free in parking garage after I bought two for myself this month. Television has been off since March and I don't miss it. I do watch a lot of YouTube and, of course, I am reading a lot. I got new Goodreads programme Library Thing and screwed up and got my books entered twice so spent half a year deleting the duplicates when THEY DID IT AGAIN and I have to redo ALL THAT WORK. Oh well, it keeps me off the streets. I weighed in at 238.5 this morning when I fully expected 245.0 I am finding it hard to believe and am wondering if the scale is broken. Afraid to get back on and make sure...I will wait till next week. Meanwhile, I will get back on diet and work harder at not blowing it this Christmas. Wendy will not be sending cookies (sob). Alcohol gives me such pains in my leg that I will likely be able to resist temptation. If I gain, I get discouraged and pig. If I lose, I get encouraged and have the incentive to stay on diet. I feel a bit weird and off balance this year like unconsciously I am more aware of changes both good and bad...a bit like deja vu or one of those moments when time slips sideways and you feel like you missed something.

Weirdness

Dec. 4th, 2019 10:59 am
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Odd feeling this morning as I look out at the winter landscape. I am not an observant person. I am not terribly self aware and my memory is lamentable. I spend my life reading, of which I retain strange bits. My brain is like a magpie for information...none of what it retains makes sense. My memory for my past is spotty at best, entire years are gone and certainly most of the people I have ever met. Ashley is dying by inches...not in pain but losing weight despite a good appetite. Blind, deaf and she has lost her sense of smell. Also might have dementia. I am selfishly hanging on to her but it has changed my life in significant ways and my focus. Today I feel strange and weird and the world feels unfamiliar. This year feels, somehow, different in some odd way that I cannot pin down. I am not introspective and can easily ignore everything outside myself. I have not left the apartment (to go outside..I have been to lobby often) since November 12th....3 weeks. I needed groceries but did not want to go out so had them delivered. The world news is depressing and frightening and I feel a bit like I am digging myself a hole and pulling the dirt in behind me. Withdrawing. That odd feeling I experienced this morning was not unpleasant...it was a calm, serene feeling as if I realized that my personal life was perfect and I was happy. Isn't it strange that happiness should make me feel such an oddness.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
The truth of politics the world over is that what we are seeing every day reported by media is all bread and circuses to keep the attention of the masses of sheep from realizing they are surrounded by wolves that control every single politician...Republican AND Democrat..and the media. We are at their mercy (of which it appears these days..they have none). People are rioting in the streets all over the world ..and why? Because those greedy corporations and grotesquely rich people have gotten greedier and more careless of letting their actions show. They are moving too fast to undercut and take away the few chintzy rights the middle class and poor people have fought so hard to gain in the past 100 years. Brazenly handing out tax cuts to obscenely rich people and then claiming education, health care and veteran's services need to be cut because there is no money. WTF they must really believe that the entire population is blind, deaf and dumb. They have managed to dumb down half the population and are working hard to undercut the rest but I think these old white men have forgotten..women, blacks and gays have gotten a taste of freedom and power and we will not be shoved back in the closet or kitchens of the nation. If we can't stop these thieves any other way we will march and burn them to the ground. Drag them from their rich mansions and tear down their power structures. The French revolution did it...it can happen again. Money didn't save even the King of France, what makes you think that when climate change starts destroying our lives that we won't come for you. Memories are long and we know who is responsible. Right now the people are trying to let the laws of the land do the job of protecting the people from the predators who have gotten too greedy and shameless but make no mistake...we are not the peasants of France, we will take you down if the law won't. Look out your window when the women march and imagine if we decided to stop being peaceful. We might bring the country down around our own ears faster than you are already doing it but you will be crushed under our feet first. Talk about Civil war....yeah some of your brain dead followers might get up in arms but thanks to the NRA the rest of us are armed too and we are a fuck of a lot smarter. Just because we are currently law abiding doesn't mean you can keep pushing us over the brink. We are not lemmings, we can and will strike back.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Tom Morris
October 17 at 6:11 PM
I just saw the most fascinating short exchange on Quora. Someone asked what the Republican party could do to help Democrats see it as a viable alternative again, moving forward. This is the answer from someone with classic conservative values.

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ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Just found this place. I read a lot, and I read fast and I re-read. My current year on Goodreads challenge stands at 279 books..my goal is 365. Retired and single so lots of time and freedom to do nothing but read. I follow my inclination which can take me anywhere. I don’t look at books for their quality of writing, their current or past popularity. I do tend to avoid best sellers. There are only two books I haven’t finished in my life… Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past ..I have the trilogy format and twice now I have gotten halfway through book two and funked it..the first time was I was interrupted and when I came back I had lost the thread and so put it aside till I could restart…restarted twenty years later and that time it bored me..the people were just so annoying and I didn’t care about any of the characters. The other book is the Bible..prefer the Boomer version :-) I love biographies, books of lists and information, books of quotations. Not up on contemporary fiction, currently reading my way through my personal library. I got a Kindle a few years ago and now have 1000 books on it…spent a few years reading cosy mysteries. Then another couple of years reading fan fiction zines in three fandoms. This year I picked off my own shelves. I started January 1 reading Marion Zimmer Bradley’s Darkover series in order right up through the new ones written by others and then moved on to Anne McCaffrey’s Pern and then all her other series plus a few biographies about her. Hospital Station series by James White; Dorsai by Dickson; Grimes series by A. Bertram Chandler, Falkayn&Van Rijn series by Poul Anderson; Flandry series by Poul Anderson; Flinx series by Alan Dean Foster; StarWellThurbRevolution by Panshin; Journeys of McGill Feighan by Kevin O’Donnell Jr., This week I am taking a breather from SciFi to read Do You Sleep in the Nude, Conversations in the Raw, People Are Crazy Here and Valentines and Vitriol by Rex Reed (tell me I am living in the past and you are right….the news these days is scary as hell. Next up and already on the bedside table is Spider Robinson’s Callahan series. Oh, I did read On Tyranny by Timothy Snyder which blew my mind. My bathroom reading is H.L. Mencken’s New Dictionary of Quotations on Historical Principles 1347 pages of the tiniest damn print..I doubt I will live long enough or my eyes hold out long enough to finish that one. All of the above are mostly paperbacks I have owned forever. I am also reading Charles Greville’s Diaries..on volume 2 of 6…feel like Sisyphus…politics ugh. On my Kindle I am reading Sympathy for the Devil about Gore Vidal. On my Kobo I am reading Who Let The Dogs in by Molly Ivins. So many books, so little time. To answer the question..I am a pig. I am rereading...why am I spending money on new books. Because I am greedy beyond belief where books are concerned.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
This is the most frightening book I have read in as long as I can remember. It was written a month before President Trump's inauguration and published a month after. As I was reading I went on YouTube and watched a video of the author introducing his book in a book store and what he said twisted my guts in a knot because I had watched the campaign and it had upset me and made me deeply political for the first time in my life. I could not believe what was happening and spent a lot of time ranting and upset watching the, to me, systematic dismantling of democracy and a true copy cat 1933 Germany coming into being. The entire world seemed to have gone crazy and the sane members seemed helpless to stop it. Rule of law was disappearing. This was my personal point of view. Early in 2019, I turned off my television, I could no longer watch what was happening. I turned to the past and my books. But information seeped in and kept my personal pot boiling. This book just capped it all. It is three years of more and more, worse and worse and everything he warned about in this book, all the sign posts of fascism and dictatorships and people turning off their minds and becoming sheep...has all come true in every aspect. Hope is fading. We who are still fighting for truth and democracy leap at every renewed chance of hope like 'impeachment' as if it will save us and yet Trump's minions appear on television lying through their teeth and are given a platform by mainstream media (out of fairness???) to spew their garbage and I know that the base of the mindless sheep that follow Trump just like the Germans followed Hitler in 1938 are out there sucking it up as mother's milk. We on the left are so busy following the rules and not wanting to descend into the depths of depravity and hatred that the right has gone so far from rule of law and human decency that it is like a runaway train. If women would fight for women, if the gays would take to the streets again, if Greta's climate change movement only gets larger. This is not 1933 Germany with its terrible problems and people already crushed under a burden imposed by outsiders...this is a wealthy country, with educated citizens who can see climate change, can see when a politician is trying to take away the rights of women and denigrate them, can see the people who are responsible for telling us the truth of what is happening around us...being vilified. Just like with climate change...we are at a tipping point...we must do something. Everyone who sees the truth must do something before it is too late. Bush started this ball rolling by taking away the rights of citizens under the guise of homeland security and Trump is doubling down all over the place and the sheep are cheering the coming police state. This book is a tiny bombshell of truth that should be carried in the pocket of every single citizen just as Mao's little red book was carried by his.
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
My mother-in-law Elsie Schmocker died on August 11, 2019. This has not been a bad year for personal deaths (knock on wood). I do not write here often enough. Time is flying by and I am reading my way through my personal library..I am currently at 214 books on the year. I am dealing with agony and anxiety over Ashley who, seemingly overnight, went blind, deaf, nose blind and demented. I emailed a mobile vet to check prices on a Saturday and the moment I pressed send it was like the fog rolled out and I could see. I sat and planned how I was going do death with her and it was not going to be euthanasia. My life and my concentration had been shot for two months while I rode the roller coaster of indecision and panic. But once I made a plan, things calmed down. My life is, essentially, on hold while I deal with Ashley and her needs. Nothing I read or researched can help. I am winging this alone. Then Mac, the cat, decided to stop eating and drinking (this is the cat that barely eats anything on any given day anyway) and the litter box was empty and everything I read online said PANIC NOW. My calm shattered, my thoughts scattered. This started on Wednesday August 21st and I think it resolved itself today Monday, 26th but it has been a nightmare few days capped by Ashley having one of her bouts of diarrhea and shitting on Elsie's handmade rug. Which brings me back to Elsie. She was 96, in a nursing home, suffering from dementia and in a wheelchair since some time in 2018. She died peacefully in her chair less than a minute before Peter walked through the door to visit. So he wrote three lines to say she died and that was it. No information for twelve days. I finally contacted Brenda Grape his cousin-in-law and she said no one else had heard anything. I gave her his phone number and she called and got the information and relayed it to me. The following day I get an email updating me...Elsie had been cremated and put in a box made by Peter (like the ones he made for me, Brandon, Hanna and Alfred and Renate (all used as urns for those who have died so far) and there will be a memorial service soon and could he borrow 50.00 till the end of the month. I sent an etrans with the money. She as a big part of my life for 20 years and was a nice, inoffensive lady who did not intrude and never criticized me in any way that I found out about. Unlike second husband, John's mother hated my guts from day one and I could not do right by her. My first husband's mother was dead before we got married and never socialized once with his father or his grandmother...the marriage didn't last long.

I will not be attending the service..no wheels. An part of my life ending. Visited Lena last week. She is 100 and beginning to show frailty but she was all there the day I visited. She still lives alone in her three bedroom house. Still no news about Andrew but then he was a lousy grandson..never gifted her, never called, never visited.

On the other hand, she lived 33 years longer than my mother who died at 63. You can pack a lot of living, happiness, food, joy and fun into 33 years. So I am not grieving at her passing.

Reading.

Aug. 26th, 2019 02:23 pm
ladyloveswolves7: Beaugi bear (Default)
Spending my days, in between bouts of insanity over animals, putting covers to my books imported from Goodreads to LibraryThing. I feel like Scrooge McDuck swimming in his vault of gold, I am fingering my way through my vault of books.

I was just musing on my library and the books I read and realized no-one can judge me based on what I read because the range is vast. The only judgement anyone can make about me and books is...I read to the detriment of everything and everyone in my life and spend too much money on books. On every list of 100 Must Read Books...I generally have read at least 75-85 (not matter the type of list (scifi, classics, popular, encyclopedias, cartoons, biographies, autobiographies, dog care, cat care, famous writers oeuvre, books of quotations, books of jokes, books of famous people, books of photographs, mysteries and cosies and poetry. Barbara Cartland and Harlequin Romances had their place in my life at one time and so did Women's Weekly). One very important point is....I do not care what anyone else thinks...books are my life, the more the merrier. Nobody else reads enough to impress me. I have read Tolkien, Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, and the Russians. Kafka bored me, I could not finish Proust (though I got half way through the massive trilogy). I have read my share of literary fiction and genre fiction..I have no prejudices. I am not fussy about quality of writing just as I can eat steak today and eat weiners tomorrow..everything is grist for the mill.

On the other hand, if there were a computer programme that you could enter your entire read library into that would run an algorithm and spit out a judgement of who, what etc. about you based on what you read...I would like that. Humans, nope, they are too full of their own inadequacies and prejudices and jealousies and ignorance. You cannot really trust the opinions of other people. What they think of any given politician can be the result..today..of something they read or saw on television or in the news. So few people actually read enough to be entitled to an opinion of other people's reading matter.

As for my mood at the moment, I am relieved. My animals have made me frantic with worry and today I got a break and I am coming up from the pits or down from my flights of dungeon building in the sky.
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